Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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