How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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