Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize