I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
nut hugger
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
