today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
