I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm too high and old for this...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
