There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
