i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
