i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
