haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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