just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize