So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
