how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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