you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
