I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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