she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
