I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
