i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
