So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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