dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
