They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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