Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
