the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
