Don't you send me to vm
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
