I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
