tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
