Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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