Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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