Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
