Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
