Did I show you my penis last night?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
