I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
