Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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