he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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