So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
