I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Randomize
