so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
