My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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