he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
