My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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