I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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