chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
