Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It's shark week go big or go home
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize