Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
