guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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