Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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