so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
