I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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