I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
