My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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