mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Last time i carry you out of a forest
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
