someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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