upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize