Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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