I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
