woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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