Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
