So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Two words: blizzard sex
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
