These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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