what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
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