ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
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