hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
