His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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