I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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